Please God, Not Another Cavs vs. Warriors Championship

Imagining a life without sports is damn near close to a life without…. I’m honestly not sure what life would be like without sports. Probably not very good, and I’m willing to bet on that one {Cheers to legal sports betting}.

As much as I enjoy the sweet nothings of watching athletic events, I am what one could call a “Playoff Bandwagon Fan” for certain sports. Football and golf are easy to keep track of; football is a couple nights a week / all day Sunday thing for a couple of months, and yeah I might miss the Thursday and Friday rounds of golf tournaments, but the weekends are where it starts to get wild. Hockey, baseball, and basketball; no offense, but you’re going to have to let me know when playoffs start. There are too many games going on at all different times and it’s hard to keep up, mainly because I’m rocking the no cable life and my mom changed the locks so I can’t get in to watch them at her place. I do get updates on Twitter, so I’m not entirely out of the loop.. I’m just not dedicated enough to the cause I guess.

NHL playoffs are going on and they’re pretty exciting to watch. The Blackhawks aren’t involved in any way shape or form. They’re also very far away from being a Stanley Cup contender again, but playoff hockey is too entertaining not to watch.

I can’t be the only person who is going to be more than slightly upset if it’s a Cavaliers vs Warriors finals for the FOURTH. YEAR. IN. A. ROW!

The 2015 season was cool when the Warriors were the young guns on the block, taking home championships, and snatching the most wins in a season record from the Bulls.

We all remember 2016 when the Warriors blew a 3-1 series lead which led to some of the most comical pictures you will every come across.

Lebron also brought home his first ring for Cleveland, which made it an exciting and emotional year for him.

Alright, 2017, the year the tie is broken, who’s taking 2 out of 3? Golden State won, alright move on, let some of the other teams have a turn to play. No one wants to watch the same two teams play again, and again, and again, and one more time.

I have a problem with how repetitive it’s getting, I do not have a problem with the players. I have nothing but respect for any professional athlete. I’m sore for 3 days after a pick up game with my buddies and these guys are playing nearly every night of the week. I mean there are a few players that I don’t like, but they did it to themselves.

On the Warriors, I dislike Draymond Green and Zaza Pachulia. Why? Click on their name and find out, it won’t take you very long to see that they’re both big ol’ bags of dicks. They’re dirty players, and not in a Ron Artest way. They take cheap shots to try and take players out of the game, they’re clowns. For the rest of the team who I’m familiar with, I don’t have a problem with them. Curry and Durant seem like good guys who are both incredibly talented at basketball, and you can’t blame Durant for wanting to be a championship contender, because he wasn’t getting anywhere with OKC. And I’ve always liked Nick Young and that his nickname is Swaggy P.

The Jordan/Lebron conversation is one I don’t care to have because people are going to believe what they want and no one is going to convince them otherwise. They are both incredibly talented NBA legends and just being involved in the conversation of who is the GOAT speaks volume. Just let me know when Lebron gets to golf with Larry Bird and Bill Murray, drops a hole in one, plays basketball with the Looney Tunes, dabbles in minor league baseball, ALL AS THE STAR OF ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES OF EVERY 90’S BOYS LIFE! That’s all I’m going to say on the topic.

Slight detour, but now we’re back. Lebron is the only player on the Cavalier’s that I don’t care for. As a person, I bet he’s fine. His kids seem to like him, I heard he’s a charitable man, and he’s rich as fuuuuuuck. But as a basketball player, he’s the biggest flopping piece of shit to walk the face of this earth. Talented athlete, but still a lil’ bitch.

I wasn’t going to be mad if we saw the Bucks, or Timberpuppies, Raptors, or maybe the Jazz advance a little farther, it’s cool seeing the underdogs make a run. All aboard the Celtics and Rockets bandwagons, let’s make things interesting. I know Golden State is an overall powerhouse, but I still don’t understand how Cleveland makes it this far every year.

May 15, 2018 0

Feliz Día de La Madre, Moms

We live in a country where we like to party, that’s why we have a holiday for everything. We have Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, MLK Jr Day, Memorial Day, Cinco de Mayo (which is just an excuse for Americans to get drunk and drink Tequila… wait that’s every Friday and Saturday for some people 😳) and the list goes on and on.

None of these holiday’s would even be a bleep on a technically non-existent radar if it weren’t for one thing, or species I should say…. Women. That is why Mother’s Day is single handedly the most important day of the year and should be treated as more than just another Sunday.

As much as my mother can rustle my jimmies, I am eternally grateful for her, and all women, for doing what they’re genetically designed to do by bringing people into existence. All of our holiday’s wouldn’t be shit if it weren’t for moms; whether you believe in religion or not, Mary was Jesus’ mother, all of our President’s have mothers (Trump might’ve been hatched, not 100% convinced otherwise), and all of the soldiers fighting for our freedom were once little tikes being told to eat their vegetables by, you guessed it, their mothers.

“Well, children couldn’t be created without sperm, so men are actually responsible for bringing everyone into existence.”

Alright chief, slow your role. We’ll give you Father’s Day to acknowledge your 45 seconds of humping like a rabbit in order to fulfill the reproductive process, but don’t get ahead of yourself.

Try this on for size:

Big daddy Warbucks stumbles across an empty plot of land and says, “And on this here property, I shall build a house.” He goes out and hires a construction company to build his house. Fast forward to however long it takes to build a house and boom, the house is on that once empty piece of land. Can he honestly say that he was responsible for the creation of that house? Absolutely not! He can say that without him it could not have been built but he did nothing more than provide the financial measures for it to be accomplished.

“My daddy built this house with his bare hands six years ago.”
“Your daddy is a liar.”

Just like building a baby, all a man does is provide his mandatory seed. Along with whatever financial/emotional support, massage giving responsibilities, and chocolate craving contributions he did for his baby mama, to avoid her ripping his head off like a Praying Mantis during the nine month pregnancy, is the extent to which he is responsible for creating a child.

Women literally grow a baby inside of them. Your temporary home was in your mothers stomach and once you were out in the world, her body produced food for you. That’s wild.

It’s safe to say that I’m a, quote unquote, mama’s boy but I will happily own up to that. I think the world of my mother and there’s not a chance I would be the grown boy that I am today without her.

From a young age, I knew I had a closer bond with my mom in comparison to my dad. Yeah, I remember my dad would let me beat him in putting contests, watch most of my sporting events, and taught me the ways to snag a mean tan by the pool; but nothing can trump my mom staying up all hours of the night when I was sick and helping me through a handful of rough breakups.

And if I hear a sentence like, “I’m a mother to 6 beautiful cats,” come outcha mouth I’m going to smack you and say,

I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon, or at all, but I don’t think there’s a bond or love strong enough that’s comparable to that of a mother and her child.

Unfortunately, life happens and my heart and prayers go out to everyone who has lost their mother every single day… One of my good friends and roommate in college lost his mom a few years before I met him. We had a couple heart-to-hearts and it was easy for me to see how much she meant to him. Obviously, my mom wanted to know about the guys I was living with and that topic got brought up. Though it was never directly talked about, he was habitually calling her “mom” when he saw her and she continues to ask how he’s doing to this day. Moms are effing awesome.

If you don’t have a good relationship with your mom, I get it. I haven’t talked to my dad in nearly three years so I understand how family relationships can go south. Whether you have communication with her or not, give her a quick thanks and let her know that you’re grateful to be alive because you wouldn’t be without her.

What’s that phrase about women? “Can’t live with em’, can’t live without em.” Yeah, it’s safe to say that’s about as true of a statement as you can hear. Next to the Warriors blowing a 3-1 lead.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mamas out there, and keep doing what you’re doing ✊🏼

May 13, 2018 0

No, You Do Not Like ALL Music

Talking to people is easy. All you gotta do is start asking questions and the conversation flows like the Nile River. Hey, how ya doin? Where ya from? How old are you? Where’d you go to school? Where ya work? Boom, just started a 3 minute conversation, keep it going.

One of the questions I like asking is what kind of music someone likes… Pretty easy question, just tell me what you listen to on a regular basis. Don’t let, “Oh, I like all music” come outcha mouth because you’re lying. I personally can’t begin to imagine how much music is out in the world. There are dudes wearing loincloths in the middle of Africa banging on drums, that’s music. Bagpipes in Ireland. Chief Keef… It’s impossible to say you like all music.

If I were to ask you to listen to a song I’m sure you would oblige, so it’s fair to say that you would LISTEN to all music; doesn’t mean you like it. I’ve narrowed it down to I will listen to any music… except classical. Not going to find me listening to Mozart in this lifetime. It’s easier to answer the question in Pandora stations, because it covers such a ride range of songs, you can pick up the vibe of their music taste. Blink-182, you obviously dig the 90’s; Beyoncé you like pop/todays hits; Backstreet Boys you like, well boys..

If I could pick 4 stations to listen to for the rest of my life they’d be Goo Goo Dolls, Wiz Khalifa, Lil Dicky, & Ed Sheeran; my number 5 would be a Barstool station, it’ll happen. Luckily, I’m living the Spotify life and can listen to whatever music I want when I so please. I have a very broad music selection, and I just throw it into a playlist so I’ve got like 300 songs all over the spectrum

Drink it in, a little taste of my music selection. I’d like to draw your eye to the middle three songs. Te Ves Fatal, according to an RBI cook, is just a song talking mad shit about a girl but the tune is so catchy I listen to it at least twice a day. And I would like to thank Barstool for introducing us.

https://www.facebook.com/barstoolsports/videos/10156128390977502/

Everybody loves a little Fleetwood Mac and if you haven’t heard the most beautiful thing ever, prepare to cry. And of course Migos, making bangers for the last couple years. I’m all over the damn map and the selection continues to expand daily.

You better come up with a good answer if I ever ask you what music you like or you and I are going to sit and listen to Russian show-tunes until the cows come home.

January 18, 2018 1

December Golf In Illinois…. Whaaaaat?

December 2, 2017, marks a special day in my life. In 11 years of playing recreational/competitive golf, that monumental day was the first December round of golf I have ever played. It probably doesn’t seem like an exciting situation to you Average Joe’s, but any one who has hit the sweet spot of a 7 iron knows how important that last round of the year is.

What makes it more sweet is that it was my first round in a solid 4 months; I’m surprised I was still able to make contact with the ball. Sure maybe I lost a handful of balls and my dignity (threw up the Hawaiian 9-0), but there were some darts thrown that give me hope I’ve still got it buried under a couple layers of rust.

The course was Atwood and I’ve always had a soft spot for this course since firing a 79 and winning the boys 14-15 y/o area tournament 💪🏼 Honestly, all I had to hear was golf and I was in, didn’t matter where we played.

Our foursome’s average age was damn near 35 years lower than any of the other groups out there, I wasn’t mad about it; those olds dudes are piping it down the middle every time. Sure they aren’t winning any long drive contests but fairway fairway putt putt is not a bad way to play.

I thought that the greens keepers weren’t trying to have these hacks come chop up their fairways and greens, but you’d think with their pin locations that’s exactly what they wanted to accomplish. I thought I was going for a leisurely last round before putting the sticks in the attic, not reading a putt from four different angels on Masters Sunday. 18/18 pin locations were on the middle of a ridge; hit it past, bye bye ball; leave it short, have with a 4 foot sweeping left to right putt, jackass.

I’ve accepted that I peaked in the sport of golf back in my competitive days. Playing for Rock Valley CC I was playing golf 6 out of the 7 days of the week, it would be impossible for me to continue sucking. Yeah there were a fair share of low rounds and more than I’m proud to admit not so low rounds, but never will I play to that competitive level.

I could of lost all my golf balls, broken my driver, and forgot my putter before the round and I would still want to go out and play. I’ve got the itch and playing Rory McIlroy 2016 on Xbox isn’t cutting it; might be making a spontaneous trip to Florida, I’m pretty sure that’s the only logical solution… maybe.

December 7, 2017 0

Now That’s My Type of Game

Being dudes, we all have some sort of background with video games. Whether it’s throwing it way back to the Nintendo/Smash Bros days or to last weekend when you got stoned and played FIFA.

If you never played video games or don’t enjoy dabbling in them every so often, you might’ve been born the wrong gender. No offense intended but I can’t fathom a mans life without video games. I can’t count on four hands the many nights of staying up until sunrise on Xbox live playing zombies with my buddies.

Girls were given barbies, boys were given sports; and what’s better than playing sports for real? Playing them through a TV screen. Oh you liked playing cops and robbers, or pretending to be a soldier? Don’t you worry, there’s games for that too. Kids nowadays are given iPads to play whatever games their intelligence level can search for, but don’t worry. Give it some time and they’ll of had their fair share of 2K, COD, and GTA like the rest of us.

Shoot em up games are already intense enough, but I think EA Sports needs to come up with a more mature version of their games; 2K 2.0, if you will. “Be A Pro” is cool and all but if they say be a pro, why can’t you really be a pro? I played the “Live the Life” feature on NHL and all I could do was answer press conference questions. That’s not living the life, that’s playing the game and thinking. Actually getting a behind the scenes look at the sport you’re playing gives in the 2.0 feel.

You’re playing Madden and down 3 TD’s in the first half, you have a live look in the locker room and hear a motivation speech from an angel, or a shit storm of ass chewing. Throw up a 77 in the 2nd round of the Masters, you’re on the putting green till dark and get to go home and bang your model status wife; golfers always seem to snag the dime pieces. You’re popping champagne in the locker room after winning the Stanley Cup, and settin’ fire to the city.

You get the point, it’s a friendly mix of EA Sports and GTA (without the violence, or with the violence if you so choose – End up doing coke, landing yourself in jail, and waking up to plastered all over the social world as the new Johnny Manziel.) I think it would be a fantastic game, and I have no ambition to do anything about it so if someone steals this idea… make sure I get the first copy.

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November 30, 2017 0