Category: Comedy

Smokes of The Office

The Office.

Everyone loves it.

Easily one of the top 5 comedy shows out there and rightfully so. I’m on my second run through of indulging and I have some friends that are easily on their 5th of 6th lap of rewatching this magnificent series. Trying to decipher which scenes were scripted and which were completely impromptu gives me all of the entertainment I need. Also, going back and watching the other actors try to keep a serious face is priceless. It’s just like Vegas, no matter how many times you go back, there’s always something new to look at.

There’s a lot of talent in this cast, and I’m not referring to ability to act. Well, maybe, everyone does a fantastic job and the show wouldn’t be what it is without the presence of every single one of them <3

but really, lot of beauts in this show and you’ll get a different answer from everyone you ask but try this sequence of most attractive characters on for size:

5. Erin Hannon

Sweet and genuine soul, with a pretty face – and that is all she wrote on this one… Her squeaky voice, super teethy smile, and past relations with Gabe are definite deal breakers. Not good Erin, minus 5.

4. Angela Martin

Not my most popular opinion but Angela’s got it going on, starting at like season 3. It could be my overlap of her character in New Girl but Dwight flipped a switch on this fox.

3. Jan Levinson

Jan freaking Levinson-Gould, you majestic goddess! The only reason you are not my number 1 is because of, in your exact words, your ability to be self destructive. We’d never make it.

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.

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But on the real, she could handcuff me.

2. Karen Filippelli

Karen, you’re a babe and you’ve already conquered my heart as Ann Perkins. Give someone else a chance, please.

1. Pam Beesly

LOOK AT HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS! Seriously, if Pam falls anywhere but number one on your list you need to seek medical attention for blindness. All around wifey material and is everything I could want in a woman. You can take this as my written proposal, I’ll be waiting patiently for your answer.

If my girl purse lady Katy stayed in the show a little longer and wasn’t just a treat for Jim to snack on, I can confidently say that she’d be in my top 5 (sorry not sorry, Erin).

As for the more frequent appearances, who knows what Meredith looked like in her younger days, I wouldn’t count her out completely. Kelly, Phyllis, Holly, and Nellie… Not a chance.

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You Had To Go With That One?

I would consider myself a pretty decent driver… I make complete stops at stop signs, always use my blinker, and I only Tweet when I’ve got a real good one cookin’ and I don’t want to forget. I’ve gotten a couple of warnings and I’ve been in one (not my fault) accident. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the ways of the road it’s that there’s a special place in hell for people who drive the same cars used for police vehicles.

Actually, this is a circumstantial statement… If you’re given a Crown Victorian or Chevy Impala for your first car, or it’s all you could afford, I respect the grind ✊🏼 . But if you wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, take a half day of work to go to a dealership with the intent of purchasing a white Ford Explorer, get the fuck out of town. What kind of psychopath are you?

What joy does one get by fooling others into thinking you can pull them over at any second? A real sick individual, I’ll tell you what! Numerous times a car that looks like a law enforcer has pulled up behind me, but it always turns out to be a woman talking on her phone, or a middle aged man in a wife beater smoking a cigarette.

There has to be a billion different kinds of cars you can pick. If you subtract the % of cars for the people who drive on the opposite side of the road and smart cars, that still leaves a shit ton of cars you can choose from. There is nothing you can gain from having that specific kind of car, except to look like a wannabe cop and strike the fear of God into civilian drivers.

It’s safe to say that nobody likes driving when there are cops around. I appreciate the hell out of their services and for protecting us, but they scare the piss out of me on the road. I could be driving under the speed limit, behind a semi, as a school bus driver, and I would still slam on my breaks if I saw a cop sitting on the side of the road. It’s wild that red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom, unless they’re flashing in your rear view mirror.

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Please God, Not Another Cavs vs. Warriors Championship

Imagining a life without sports is damn near close to a life without…. I’m honestly not sure what life would be like without sports. Probably not very good, and I’m willing to bet on that one {Cheers to legal sports betting}.

As much as I enjoy the sweet nothings of watching athletic events, I am what one could call a “Playoff Bandwagon Fan” for certain sports. Football and golf are easy to keep track of; football is a couple nights a week / all day Sunday thing for a couple of months, and yeah I might miss the Thursday and Friday rounds of golf tournaments, but the weekends are where it starts to get wild. Hockey, baseball, and basketball; no offense, but you’re going to have to let me know when playoffs start. There are too many games going on at all different times and it’s hard to keep up, mainly because I’m rocking the no cable life and my mom changed the locks so I can’t get in to watch them at her place. I do get updates on Twitter, so I’m not entirely out of the loop.. I’m just not dedicated enough to the cause I guess.

NHL playoffs are going on and they’re pretty exciting to watch. The Blackhawks aren’t involved in any way shape or form. They’re also very far away from being a Stanley Cup contender again, but playoff hockey is too entertaining not to watch.

I can’t be the only person who is going to be more than slightly upset if it’s a Cavaliers vs Warriors finals for the FOURTH. YEAR. IN. A. ROW!

The 2015 season was cool when the Warriors were the young guns on the block, taking home championships, and snatching the most wins in a season record from the Bulls.

We all remember 2016 when the Warriors blew a 3-1 series lead which led to some of the most comical pictures you will every come across.

Lebron also brought home his first ring for Cleveland, which made it an exciting and emotional year for him.

Alright, 2017, the year the tie is broken, who’s taking 2 out of 3? Golden State won, alright move on, let some of the other teams have a turn to play. No one wants to watch the same two teams play again, and again, and again, and one more time.

I have a problem with how repetitive it’s getting, I do not have a problem with the players. I have nothing but respect for any professional athlete. I’m sore for 3 days after a pick up game with my buddies and these guys are playing nearly every night of the week. I mean there are a few players that I don’t like, but they did it to themselves.

On the Warriors, I dislike Draymond Green and Zaza Pachulia. Why? Click on their name and find out, it won’t take you very long to see that they’re both big ol’ bags of dicks. They’re dirty players, and not in a Ron Artest way. They take cheap shots to try and take players out of the game, they’re clowns. For the rest of the team who I’m familiar with, I don’t have a problem with them. Curry and Durant seem like good guys who are both incredibly talented at basketball, and you can’t blame Durant for wanting to be a championship contender, because he wasn’t getting anywhere with OKC. And I’ve always liked Nick Young and that his nickname is Swaggy P.

The Jordan/Lebron conversation is one I don’t care to have because people are going to believe what they want and no one is going to convince them otherwise. They are both incredibly talented NBA legends and just being involved in the conversation of who is the GOAT speaks volume. Just let me know when Lebron gets to golf with Larry Bird and Bill Murray, drops a hole in one, plays basketball with the Looney Tunes, dabbles in minor league baseball, ALL AS THE STAR OF ONE OF THE GREATEST MOVIES OF EVERY 90’S BOYS LIFE! That’s all I’m going to say on the topic.

Slight detour, but now we’re back. Lebron is the only player on the Cavalier’s that I don’t care for. As a person, I bet he’s fine. His kids seem to like him, I heard he’s a charitable man, and he’s rich as fuuuuuuck. But as a basketball player, he’s the biggest flopping piece of shit to walk the face of this earth. Talented athlete, but still a lil’ bitch.

I wasn’t going to be mad if we saw the Bucks, or Timberpuppies, Raptors, or maybe the Jazz advance a little farther, it’s cool seeing the underdogs make a run. All aboard the Celtics and Rockets bandwagons, let’s make things interesting. I know Golden State is an overall powerhouse, but I still don’t understand how Cleveland makes it this far every year.

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Feliz Día de La Madre, Moms

We live in a country where we like to party, that’s why we have a holiday for everything. We have Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, MLK Jr Day, Memorial Day, Cinco de Mayo (which is just an excuse for Americans to get drunk and drink Tequila… wait that’s every Friday and Saturday for some people 😳) and the list goes on and on.

None of these holiday’s would even be a bleep on a technically non-existent radar if it weren’t for one thing, or species I should say…. Women. That is why Mother’s Day is single handedly the most important day of the year and should be treated as more than just another Sunday.

As much as my mother can rustle my jimmies, I am eternally grateful for her, and all women, for doing what they’re genetically designed to do by bringing people into existence. All of our holiday’s wouldn’t be shit if it weren’t for moms; whether you believe in religion or not, Mary was Jesus’ mother, all of our President’s have mothers (Trump might’ve been hatched, not 100% convinced otherwise), and all of the soldiers fighting for our freedom were once little tikes being told to eat their vegetables by, you guessed it, their mothers.

“Well, children couldn’t be created without sperm, so men are actually responsible for bringing everyone into existence.”

Alright chief, slow your role. We’ll give you Father’s Day to acknowledge your 45 seconds of humping like a rabbit in order to fulfill the reproductive process, but don’t get ahead of yourself.

Try this on for size:

Big daddy Warbucks stumbles across an empty plot of land and says, “And on this here property, I shall build a house.” He goes out and hires a construction company to build his house. Fast forward to however long it takes to build a house and boom, the house is on that once empty piece of land. Can he honestly say that he was responsible for the creation of that house? Absolutely not! He can say that without him it could not have been built but he did nothing more than provide the financial measures for it to be accomplished.

“My daddy built this house with his bare hands six years ago.”
“Your daddy is a liar.”

Just like building a baby, all a man does is provide his mandatory seed. Along with whatever financial/emotional support, massage giving responsibilities, and chocolate craving contributions he did for his baby mama, to avoid her ripping his head off like a Praying Mantis during the nine month pregnancy, is the extent to which he is responsible for creating a child.

Women literally grow a baby inside of them. Your temporary home was in your mothers stomach and once you were out in the world, her body produced food for you. That’s wild.

It’s safe to say that I’m a, quote unquote, mama’s boy but I will happily own up to that. I think the world of my mother and there’s not a chance I would be the grown boy that I am today without her.

From a young age, I knew I had a closer bond with my mom in comparison to my dad. Yeah, I remember my dad would let me beat him in putting contests, watch most of my sporting events, and taught me the ways to snag a mean tan by the pool; but nothing can trump my mom staying up all hours of the night when I was sick and helping me through a handful of rough breakups.

And if I hear a sentence like, “I’m a mother to 6 beautiful cats,” come outcha mouth I’m going to smack you and say,

I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon, or at all, but I don’t think there’s a bond or love strong enough that’s comparable to that of a mother and her child.

Unfortunately, life happens and my heart and prayers go out to everyone who has lost their mother every single day… One of my good friends and roommate in college lost his mom a few years before I met him. We had a couple heart-to-hearts and it was easy for me to see how much she meant to him. Obviously, my mom wanted to know about the guys I was living with and that topic got brought up. Though it was never directly talked about, he was habitually calling her “mom” when he saw her and she continues to ask how he’s doing to this day. Moms are effing awesome.

If you don’t have a good relationship with your mom, I get it. I haven’t talked to my dad in nearly three years so I understand how family relationships can go south. Whether you have communication with her or not, give her a quick thanks and let her know that you’re grateful to be alive because you wouldn’t be without her.

What’s that phrase about women? “Can’t live with em’, can’t live without em.” Yeah, it’s safe to say that’s about as true of a statement as you can hear. Next to the Warriors blowing a 3-1 lead.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mamas out there, and keep doing what you’re doing ✊🏼

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