Comedy – Backup Quarterback

I would consider myself a pretty decent driver… I make complete stops at stop signs, always use my blinker, and I only Tweet when I’ve got a real good one cookin’ and I don’t want to forget. I’ve gotten a couple of warnings and I’ve been in one (not my fault) accident. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the ways of the road it’s that there’s a special place in hell for people who drive the same cars used for police vehicles.

Actually, this is a circumstantial statement… If you’re given a Crown Victorian or Chevy Impala for your first car, or it’s all you could afford, I respect the grind ✊🏼 . But if you wake up in the morning, brush your teeth, eat breakfast, take a half day of work to go to a dealership with the intent of purchasing a white Ford Explorer, get the fuck out of town. What kind of psychopath are you?

What joy does one get by fooling others into thinking you can pull them over at any second? A real sick individual, I’ll tell you what! Numerous times a car that looks like a law enforcer has pulled up behind me, but it always turns out to be a woman talking on her phone, or a middle aged man in a wife beater smoking a cigarette.

There has to be a billion different kinds of cars you can pick. If you subtract the % of cars for the people who drive on the opposite side of the road and smart cars, that still leaves a shit ton of cars you can choose from. There is nothing you can gain from having that specific kind of car, except to look like a wannabe cop and strike the fear of God into civilian drivers.

It’s safe to say that nobody likes driving when there are cops around. I appreciate the hell out of their services and for protecting us, but they scare the piss out of me on the road. I could be driving under the speed limit, behind a semi, as a school bus driver, and I would still slam on my breaks if I saw a cop sitting on the side of the road. It’s wild that red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom, unless they’re flashing in your rear view mirror.

We live in a country where we like to party, that’s why we have a holiday for everything. We have Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, MLK Jr Day, Memorial Day, Cinco de Mayo (which is just an excuse for Americans to get drunk and drink Tequila… wait that’s every Friday and Saturday for some people 😳) and the list goes on and on.

None of these holiday’s would even be a bleep on a technically non-existent radar if it weren’t for one thing, or species I should say…. Women. That is why Mother’s Day is single handedly the most important day of the year and should be treated as more than just another Sunday.

As much as my mother can rustle my jimmies, I am eternally grateful for her, and all women, for doing what they’re genetically designed to do by bringing people into existence. All of our holiday’s wouldn’t be shit if it weren’t for moms; whether you believe in religion or not, Mary was Jesus’ mother, all of our President’s have mothers (Trump might’ve been hatched, not 100% convinced otherwise), and all of the soldiers fighting for our freedom were once little tikes being told to eat their vegetables by, you guessed it, their mothers.

“Well, children couldn’t be created without sperm, so men are actually responsible for bringing everyone into existence.”

Alright chief, slow your role. We’ll give you Father’s Day to acknowledge your 45 seconds of humping like a rabbit in order to fulfill the reproductive process, but don’t get ahead of yourself.

Try this on for size:

Big daddy Warbucks stumbles across an empty plot of land and says, “And on this here property, I shall build a house.” He goes out and hires a construction company to build his house. Fast forward to however long it takes to build a house and boom, the house is on that once empty piece of land. Can he honestly say that he was responsible for the creation of that house? Absolutely not! He can say that without him it could not have been built but he did nothing more than provide the financial measures for it to be accomplished.

“My daddy built this house with his bare hands six years ago.”
“Your daddy is a liar.”

Just like building a baby, all a man does is provide his mandatory seed. Along with whatever financial/emotional support, massage giving responsibilities, and chocolate craving contributions he did for his baby mama, to avoid her ripping his head off like a Praying Mantis during the nine month pregnancy, is the extent to which he is responsible for creating a child.

Women literally grow a baby inside of them. Your temporary home was in your mothers stomach and once you were out in the world, her body produced food for you. That’s wild.

It’s safe to say that I’m a, quote unquote, mama’s boy but I will happily own up to that. I think the world of my mother and there’s not a chance I would be the grown boy that I am today without her.

From a young age, I knew I had a closer bond with my mom in comparison to my dad. Yeah, I remember my dad would let me beat him in putting contests, watch most of my sporting events, and taught me the ways to snag a mean tan by the pool; but nothing can trump my mom staying up all hours of the night when I was sick and helping me through a handful of rough breakups.

And if I hear a sentence like, “I’m a mother to 6 beautiful cats,” come outcha mouth I’m going to smack you and say,

I don’t plan on doing it anytime soon, or at all, but I don’t think there’s a bond or love strong enough that’s comparable to that of a mother and her child.

Unfortunately, life happens and my heart and prayers go out to everyone who has lost their mother every single day… One of my good friends and roommate in college lost his mom a few years before I met him. We had a couple heart-to-hearts and it was easy for me to see how much she meant to him. Obviously, my mom wanted to know about the guys I was living with and that topic got brought up. Though it was never directly talked about, he was habitually calling her “mom” when he saw her and she continues to ask how he’s doing to this day. Moms are effing awesome.

If you don’t have a good relationship with your mom, I get it. I haven’t talked to my dad in nearly three years so I understand how family relationships can go south. Whether you have communication with her or not, give her a quick thanks and let her know that you’re grateful to be alive because you wouldn’t be without her.

What’s that phrase about women? “Can’t live with em’, can’t live without em.” Yeah, it’s safe to say that’s about as true of a statement as you can hear. Next to the Warriors blowing a 3-1 lead.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mamas out there, and keep doing what you’re doing ✊🏼

I am a big Netflix guy. Love binge watching and love wasting hours and hours of my life. One show that I have gone through twice is Bob’s Burgers. To most people who don’t look hard while watching, Bob’s Burgers may seem slow and awkward. In reality, this show is completely full with tiny little comments and jokes that go over your head if you aren’t ready for it. The stupidity and awkwardness of every character kill me, and yet, nobody ever talks about his show. People talk about the dryness of The Office and say its genius, of which I agree because The Office is my favorite show of all time, but nobody appreciates the dryness of BB’s jokes.

I am watching it as I type this. One joke that was just said was a science teacher talking to his class saying, “Okay class, today we are going to dissect bananas today. But we only have two bananas… So break up into groups of 13….” That’s hilarious and I don’t care what you say. If you disagree, your wrong. BB’s is one of the funniest shows out there.

One little ting that not many people know is that during their opening credits, it shows Bob’s restaurant with the family standing in front of it. To the right of them is a business that has a clever business pun every episode. Here are some of my favorites:

Those are all hilarious and must take forever to think of, and nobody even sees them. That’s how genius these writers are. I am very impressed. Trust me, I do like Family Guy, but it is just full of cut away scenes with cheap jokes but Bob’s Burgers is full of clever, witty lines that will make you laugh a few hours later. Better than an easy-way-out cut away scene joke that Family Guy always brings to the table.

Bob’s Burgers is electric and I believe that it trumps Family Guy as the funniest cartoon adult comedy on TV every day of the goddamn week. I will stand by that until the day I die. You got something to say about that? Get at me. #TeamBob

Its a fire take, I know.

Tag: Comedy

You Had To Go With That One?

Feliz Día de La Madre, Moms

Bob’s Burgers > Family Guy